Blessed, not stress

I have so much to write. I don’t know where to start. God has been too good to me. God has allowed me to hit rock bottom to realized so many things. God has been faithful to me. He has been there for me.   God allowed me to see my sister this past June. Our sissy relationship got stronger. I was so happy to see her, but it hurt me to say goodbye too her.  I love my princess dearly.  God also allowed me to go to my church RETREAT. It was an amazing experience.  God spoke to me. I felt his presences like never before. God spoke to me about my biggest passion i have and that really made my entire year! God has been too good to me. I had to let go of a few things to let God be the 1st.  My relationship with my parents is alright.  I try so hard to have a better relationship, but i honestly don’t know where to start. All i can do is pray so God can make our relationship stronger. My biggest desire is to be able to run to my father and tell him how much I love him & how my day went. & to run to my mother & tell her how much she means to me & just hug them both and never let go.. be able to be a kid again. just for 5 minutes. But other than that, everything is ok, blessed. Can’t complain. Just looking for a job. I know God will bless me with a job that will allow me to go to church 🙂 I have learn to rely on GOD. Im excited to see what God has in store for me. I love him dearly. & I also love my friends, I thank God for each and everyone of them.  They mean so much to me. Image


Choosing to wait

ImagePatience, one of God’s greatest virtues & one of the most valuable assets of a Christian.  It doesn’t always come easy, but if you read the Bible & learn how patient God has been with us it acquires a new dimension.  Think of the difficult circumstances & people in your life as sandpaper, making you smoother &, therefore, better & add joy to the equation to transform your trial into an enriching lesson.

I feel God is testing my patiences, therefore i am still. I consider myself a patient person to a certain extend. Wow, now that i think about it, im not patient at all. I hate waiting in line, i hate waiting for people, i hate repeating myself. I hate having to wait on the phone. BUT when it gets to God stuff, i can actually say im pretty good at it, or at least i try. Right now i am waiting on so many promises of God. For example, I am waiting for the ONE.. and he is taking to long and sometimes it frustrates me to the point that I don’t longer want to wait for him. But God reminds me is not on my time, but on His perfect timing, and im just like
“AHHH, FINE-.-” , or like , waiting for my car. Until this day i still haven’t gotten my car. My father is being so lazy & keeps bringing up excuses, and it kills me, sometimes i just wanna punch the wall, bc i have to wait for his sweet time!!! and its annoying. Im also waiting on God to tell me when to move out of state. If it was for me, I would have left along time ago, but I know I have to do Gods will & wait for his timing, therefore I need patiences for that & It can be overwhelming . I know everything works for the good of those who trust and love GOD & are called according to His purpose.

For i will wait on the LORD & i will be still. I want Gods will to be done in my life, therefore i need patiences and knowledge. I know God is testing me, and i give thanks to God because through out everything, He is making me to a better woman & a firm believer. I know God loves me too much to have me wait on something thats not worth my time. Or having me wait for years, right GOD? lol . I love God with all my heart and all my soul that i am willing to wait for his plans in my life. I have learned that patience is not about how long you wait, but how well you behave while waiting. I just know is worth the wait, especially if you are waiting on a promise from the Lord.  Do not rush, for God’s secret is patience. Everything that is meant to be will come at the designated time.

ps. Patience is not giving, it is earned.

Submit to the LORD

ImageWE have to submit to the lord everyday of every hour. Let Gods will be done in your life. People like to have their own way, and often think that if they surrender everything to God they can’t have their own way anymore. However, when we have chosen God’s will as our will, we always have our own way when God has his way. Some are afraid to submit to God’s will lest they should have to give up their own cherished plans or ambitions; lest they should not be able to choose for themselves. But we can always choose for ourselves if we choose what is best, for God’s will is that which is best. If we don’t choose God’s will, but choose some other way, we’re choosing less than the best for ourselves. Therefore, we are robbing ourselves of that which is best for us, and we thereby lose the joy and peace that are the fruits of choosing his will, but if you want Gods direction and want what is best for you. Then you must submit to the lord. Some fear to take God’s will, because they distrust God’s fidelity to them, and feel that they can choose best for themselves. This is doubting God’s wisdom and love, for God is wiser than we .. His tender love for us will cause Him to choose what is best for us, just as a loving parent will choose for his child that which is best for it. We must submit to God in faith. A submission that is full of doubts concerning God’s faithfulness and love is always a hesitating submission, and that very hesitation robs it of the joyfulness that comes from confident, trusting submission.  Being a Christian is being able to submit yourself to God. Sometimes we forget and we think being a Christian is just obeying God; praying, loving God, loving your neighbor, going to church.   In Job 22:21 says, if you submit to the lord, things will go well for you.. Prosperity will come to you. God does not require us to submit because He is a Cruel, but because He is a loving Father and He knows what is best for us. The blessings and peace that we gain from humbly surrendering and submitting ourselves to Him daily are a gift of grace that ­­ nothing in this world can compare to.



God breaks you to make you

images-5I never thought my parent’s divorce was going to affect me to the point I wanted to overdose myself. I would always say to mom to divorce dad just because of the fact that they weren’t happy. I wasn’t happy. no one was happy. I never really understood Gods plan, but that was ok.. i didn’t need to understand . I just needed to trust Him.  It was so hard to trust God.. but I did.  I ‘ve always felt alone in my life. This time it was so unreal, I felt so alone that for the first time it was hurting me, I was hurting myself. I wanted to die. I felt unworthy, and unwanted. I had no one to turn too. I would cry myself to sleep every single night.. I would cry to the LORD… & ask him, “why me? why my family? why do i have to suffer, why do i have to cry, why can i just be happy, why GOD? why?” & of course God didn’t answer me right away, but he was there in my darkness nights & at that point that’s all i need from Him. Just to be there for me since no one else was. I was so weak yet my God was strong in me. I came to a point were I disliked dad so much that i couldn’t even see him or speak to him. I had somuch anger towards him. Not only did dad hurt mom, but he hurt us, his kids. I honestly though my parents divorce was going to be whatever to me, but it wasn’t at all.  It was one of the hardest, painful trial I had to go through. & until this day is still hard for me. But with Gods help I have overcome every single obstacle & i have manage to keep a smile on my face.

I had many reasons to hate dad, that was a battle i had to fight on my own.. I didn’t wanna hate him, because I knew GOD… I knew if I hated dad i was going to be miserable for the rest of my life. All i needed to do was forgive him. It was hard for me to just forgive him for everything. But at the end, I had to be the bigger person. I forgave him for never being there for me, for verbally abusing me & my brother, for cheating on mom, for beating my brother up, for being a liar, for ignoring me almost all my life. I thank GOD for allowing me to forgive dad. While i was in the process of doing it, i felt so much pain inside me. I cried like a baby. I felt like my tears were filled with pain and sadness. All i wanted to do at that point was run to dad and hug him & just tell him how much I loved him & how much he meant to me. I forgave mom for leaving my brother & I even thought i knew it wasn’t her fault for leaving us.  I just hated the fact that she left when she had the option to stay w us, but at the same time she had no other option but to leave. I forgave her for not being there when i needed her the most. Mom was not there when I felt so alone. She was not there to hold me, to hug me.. and it killed me inside. I became bitterness. I hated the fact that I was always in the middle of everything.Unknown-1 Mom would tell me to talk to dad and encourage him, and dad would tell me to talk with mom & encourage her. Sometimes they would talk bad about each other to me . & they would ask me to talk to my brother , to take him to church, to encourage him, to give him advice. I was just there I had no one to turn to.I wanted to scream for help, I wanted someone to hear me, to just listen to me & not say a word. I wanted to let everything out but i didn’t know how . I wanted mom to be there, but she was nowhere to be found.  I forgave her for everything. Thanks to this situation I became closer to God. I felt God so close to me, He was and is my strength. He is my only true friend. He was there when no one else was, not even my own shadow. God was the one who guide me, who gave me love and comfort. He allowed me to express my feelings to him. He listened to my cry, but most of all, He carried me when I couldn’t do it no more. I love God & my parents. They are a gift from above and forever I will be thankful.

Perfectly imperfect

broken-heart-quotes-9Perfectly imperfect. Iwas raised with hispanic parents, mom screaming & yelling for no reason.. cleaning & cooking like always. Dad was always working trying to support his wife & 3 kids. Dad wasn’t really around. I was ok with that until I got older & so did my older brother.  Mom was the only one there for us. She pampered us, she loved us, she cared & she cried for us… I believe she still does, but she no longer lives with us. My parents got divorce.. I would say years ago, their marriage wasn’t really a marriage. It was more like a show. My family was broken. They tried to pretend we were perfect family when deep down in their soul knew we were far from it, like east is from the west.  My baby sister was growing up and she was observing every little detail that would go on in our “perfect little family.” Dad cheated on mom more than 3 times, he used to beat her up, spit on her. He beat up mom when she was pregnant of my brother, sister & I. She forgave him , of course, she loved him. She would say she was only with him because of us, which i believe, but i knew she was with him because she loved dad. Mom was completely blind, hurt, humiliated, destroyed physically & mentally by dad.  Finally, after 20 years of marriage, my parents decided to get a divorce.  Last summer mom & my baby sister left to Florida. Mom found a good man. He honors, loves & respects mom. My brother & I decided to stay with dad. After 9 months of living with dad, we all decided to move out. Dad moved in his girlfriend who recently gave birth this saturday. Dad became a father again. My brother moved in with my aunt, & I found my own place. mom got remarried and she’s happy, or at least she tries to be. Mom & dad weren’t really happy after all. Despite everything, i love them both.  This is just the beginning of my story. 

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can you hear me?

tears1Lord, are you here? do you listen to my prayers? do you listen to my cry? your word says you do, but my question is do you? im sorry in advance.  Sometimes i wonder if you listen to my cry.. if you listen to my heart scream.. do you see my tears falling down my cheeks? Right now, im in a room filled with pictures, pictures are filled with memories, memories i cant never go back too, memories that will always stay in my heart sealed with love & yet sadness. I hear nothing but silence. I hear my echo coming back & forth, just like an unanswered prayer.

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